The Jew Spot

As the lyrics of Salt-n-Pepa played through the screen, Tahlia Miller, wife of Matisyahu, introduced the audience to a film she’s been working on called, “Can’t Touch This.” Focused on the ideals of modesty in Judaism, shomer negiah, 19-year-old Tahlia at the time takes us on a personal journey from the year she decided to become shomer negiah as an NYU film student.

The film was previewed at Jewlicious Festival, with an opening scene of Tahlia speaking to her modern mom the night before her wedding.

“You waited your whole life and it’s going to last ten minutes your first time,” Tahlia’s mother said to her nervous 23-year-old daughter.

Yet the best part about the making of this film is it’s not just one person’s journey. Tahlia and filmmaker Yocheved Sidof interview everyone from people off the street, to NYU film students, to Matisyahu even. What is their sexual lifestyle like? What choices are they making and why? How does our culture and society influence what is normal in our sex life?

One of my favorite lines from the preview that has stuck with me since is from one guy Keir, an NYU film student, who spoke of an unnecessary one-night-stand experience he had and the disgust and guilt he felt as his friends congratulated him for it. He then paused and said, “Everyone you touch becomes a part of you.”

Every woman in the room gasped. That point he makes is really cool and creepy, Tahlia commented. “Sex is good. Sex is godly. Sex is holy. But to do it in the right way,” she said.

After the preview, I sat down with Tahlia and Yocheved to talk more about the film and their role in it. This is what they had to say.

Was there ever any hesitation to do this film? Part of showing your life as being shomer negiah is in essence not so private, not so shomer negiah.

What’s so interesting and unique about our film is we’re talking about sex, but were also talking about not having sex, which shomer negiah is actually part of a larger group of laws about modesty. So how much can you share? What is too sexy to be shomer negiah to even talk about?

Our challenge in making a film as two orthodox Jewish women who live in a Lubavitch Hasidic community is a big challenge because we are trying to talk about these issues and get intimate about them, get real about them.

At the same time, we’re not making a porn film and we’re not making something evocative of the type of reality shows that show every single part of our lives. It came to the point where we didn’t want to be on camera ourselves anymore. It’s going to force us to be super creative in our editing choices.

The greater challenge of how to talk about personal things that are in a real way still maintaining modesty is really what our film is getting at. How public are private choices? That’s really the cusp of our film.

Why is it important to talk about this?

Sexuality is so holy. It is so intimate. It is really important for us to be talking about the sexual choices that we make.

If we don’t talk about it as young people who went through it, who is going to talk about it?

As an orthodox Jewish woman who grew up in a modern orthodox home and became more religious than my parents, I wanted to make this film because it’s an important issue, Tahlia said. The only way to do it was to make it personal.

The unique situation about me is that my parents are modern orthodox. My mother’s funny. She’s totally loud and opinionated and wonderful. The modern visibility that I grew up with allowed me to make this film in a way that shadows both the personal sphere and the larger global sphere of someone who became a bit more religious.

What was the direction you wanted to take the film when you started out?

Girl, I was like I’m making a film about shomer negiah. I’m living at NYU. Everyone is touching. I’m trying not to touch. Everyone in this campus does not know I’m a virgin. That was my feeling of being very different, out of place at NYU.

Did you feel it was spelled over your forehead?

I felt sometimes walking around VIRGIN was tattooed on me. I wore long skirts, etc. but you know what’s interesting? Most people, until they got to know me, thought it was a style choice.

I was so hyperconscious of the fact that I was so different from everyone. I was making different choices about my sexual life.

Since you were very opened with the direction of the film, was there anything that surprised you during the making?

Maybe Kier’s comment, finding men who can say something with such universal appeal. I think the most surprising direction is the reaction that people are so sick of reality shows, and somehow this is the reality and it’s more real than that. That surprises me and I’m really proud of it.

What do you hope people get out of seeing this film?

Show people different perspectives. Powerful to show people different choices about their sexuality. Our goal is to create an opened, honest dialogue.

Thanks Tahlia and Yocheved for putting out this new perspective to the world! Can’t wait to see the final product!!

Have more questions for Tahlia and Yocheved, the film, or the laws of shomer negiyah?? Contact me at FindMyJewSpot@gmail.com and ask!